Today was both exciting and disappointing.
I had a bit of a reality check, but there are a lot of opportunities that will come from this. I’ve got some good people in my life though and I’ll weather it, but my expectations were too high and I got the wind taken out of my sails. I still have a lot to learn about corporate business and business in general, it seems.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that I won’t ever be able to be that person. Have you heard of the cut-throat executive? I don’t think that particular trope is true for the company that I’m working with right now, but there is a harsher side that I’m learning about.
I had an interesting talk with the CEO of the company and with my boss’ boss. There are opportunities within the company that I want to take and new ventures that I’m adding to my resume/portfolio. That in itself is exciting and while I wasn’t expecting it to be easy, I think the business side or the complications that come when I think of the business side are tripping me up.
In the end, what I really want to do is write and be paid well for it. I’m a good writer. I’d go so far as to say I’m well above average even though that seems so narcissistic. I was day dreaming of having enough money to pay off my debt with a project that I’m working on. I get the chance to help with a book for the company, but my expectations in terms of compensation ended up being unrealistic.
I didn’t even think I was being unrealistic until I bumped into this glass wall. The problem ends up being that no matter how hard I work there is always someone who will be willing to do the same amount of work (if a lower quality) for less money and it got me thinking about the way that the world works today. Maybe I still have a lot of growing up to do, I’m not really sure, or maybe I simply needed this paradigm shift in order to put aside childish day dreams.
All I know is that I’m going to do my best. Hand me a project and I’ll go above and beyond what’s expected for me even if the expectations are through the roof.
It’s a strange feeling though. I really can’t help being excited about the changes that could come from this project, but that disappointment is still there.
It makes me wonder if I’m being ungrateful. I’ve never had much luck and to expect that to change now seems foolish. I get that nothing is going to fall into my lap, but there are times when I wish that it would anyway. That just once the pieces could fall into place without me having to jam them together.