Fooling around on mental playgrounds

I have always wanted to be the best.

It’s not uncommon for people to feel uneasy about criticism. It’s natural to not want to open yourself up about it. I’m no different. I tend to remember the critical moments first before the happier ones and whether I mean for them to or not, those negative moments shape the way I act. So for me to write a blog is pretty strange if you think about it. To write a blog of any kind is opening yourself up to the world, putting your thoughts into a bottle and tossing them into a very hostile sea. There’s always a risk that people who read it will misunderstand whether it’s purposefully or not.

My thoughts could easily be misunderstood and that’s bad enough, but they could also be mocked.

It wouldn’t be the first time, but it never gets any easier, really. When you’re a sensitive person, it is drilled into you that you shouldn’t be. Your attempts to talk earnestly are derailed before your thoughts even begin to gather speed. I’ve seen suicide notes made fun of, cries for help met with disdainful faces, and attempts at comfort pushed away. There’s the flip side of this coin where people have banded together to try and be positive, to provide safe spaces for those who need them, but there’s no doubt that as soon as you speak online, you leave yourself open and vulnerable.

For me, there’s another aspect of blogging that I don’t like too.

It’s intensely personal and if people know me, the real me, would their perceptions change? It can be hard at times to figure out how much of my personality is shaped by the people around me and how much is just mine. Would they make fun of me for it?

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Sitting here and writing this post, I suddenly had the strangest feeling that I had never moved on from childhood. Maybe a part of me is still trapped there, running feverishly around a playground and trying not to touch the gravel because one of the kids decided it was lava. It’s funny the fears that we carry with us into adulthood.

When we’re adults we’re supposed to just be stronger, more durable, and not break under what life throws our way, but honestly… We’re just taller, more jaded kids. There’s not much we can do other than try to be better and hope one day that if we try enough, it’ll become second nature.

So here we go. Here is my first foray back into blogging.

Wish me luck and tough skin.