I don’t know what it is, but for some reason I’m just exhausted lately. All of the things that I can normally do has just become so tough and I’ve watched helplessly as my mood spirals downward. I feel sometimes like I’m clinging to a precipice and there’s so little that I can do to pull myself up. People who don’t understand about depression may think that it’s just about lifting yourself up, but there’s no upward movement that I can explain. My mood doesn’t rise, perse. It is more an evening out for me, a regaining of control over moods that are running rampant with hardly a care for what I need to do for myself on both a personal and professional level.
Lately the feeling has just been that there is not enough time to do what I need to or want to do. If I do all the things I need to do, then I would be left with a very bleak existence that consisted almost completely of work. To do what I want to do would be embarking into a wonderful world of creative endeavors that not only leave me out of a job, but without any way to support these creative endeavors.
For all those who say to just pick up and move, there is a level of realism that needs to be maintained. So right now I am carefully balancing what I need to do with what I can do and to say it is exhausting would be an understatement. Beyond that, there has been a death of someone I care for very much and that has further limited my capacity to do all the things I need to do or be all the places that I need to be.
I wonder some times how my parents can do it. From what I would understand they work just as hard, if not harder than I do and I can barely handle my 60 hours a week, plus other projects and chores. I almost wonder if having a car is what makes all the difference, but that is neither here nor there.
Despite how tired I am when I’m at work, I desperately want to keep working. I don’t think I could stop working if I tried. Maybe it’s some kind of mania, either way I don’t feel good about myself when I’m neglecting what I feel I should do.
For now, I have made a list of immediate short term goals coupled with long term goals. When things are this hectic, it’s important to keep everything very simple and so there are only goals for what needs to be done that day and what needs to be done by the end of the week.
I’ve also started (however briefly) a project where I watch every TED talk in their spreadsheet. A key part of my plan for both my business (or professional life) along with my creative plans for my writing involve the broadening of my horizons. While I understand that TED talks are not the only way to broaden my horizons and can be quite limited in some fields, they also represent a collective pool of global knowledge that is freely available to all who wish to seek it. My goal (however humble) is to watch every video listed on the spread sheet by April 1, 2014 and while I’m not going quite at the pace I’d like, I’m averaging a rate of about six talks a day since the beginning of the month.
It is all a part of the project to constantly better myself that I have been embarking on for years now. I want to constantly be evolving both in body and mind. There is also a physical component which will come into play once I’m finished with the bronchitis and my side writing project (which will very soon have drawn to a close). I never want to be finished learning and the people who abandon school or disdain doing extra work and yet do not do anything with the time that they are given perplex me.
If I could, I think I would outsource my leisure time in return for higher levels of productivity or I would give up things that I enjoy for the ability to multitask better than I do at this moment.
There are so many things that I want to do and such little time to do them in, I feel and while some people think that ten years is a long time I know that it will be over in the blink of an eye. I don’t feel like I can sit back and wait for an outcome. Instead, I want to be moving toward it even when I’m sleeping.
But for now, while I’m trying to work this out, please enjoy Bach’s Prelude~.